Thursday, February 25, 2016

The Worst Amateur Car Customizations

Everyone knows cars are awesome, and we all want a really fast and shiny one with all the trimmings. Unfortunately the fastest and shiniest and most accessorized cars are also really really expensive. For most of us that means we accept our lot and keep driving the same old rusting '90s beater, and watch longingly as our dream car passes us on the highway. However, there are always those people who won't take no for an answer and go after their dream in any way they can, be that by selling blood or working extra shifts at Walmart. With every meagre ounce of creativity they possess, these individuals pursue the dream. And by ignoring common sense in the process, most of the time they fail. We're here to celebrate those failures. Be warned, this article contains spoilers.

Spoilershttp://img2.looper.com/img/gallery/the-worst-amateur-car-customizations/spoilers.jpg

The most obvious accessory to the passer by, the spoiler is also a fairly simple addition. Ranging from Formula One style aero devices that aid traction, to the cheap bolt-on options meant to look like they aid traction but don't, there's something for everyone. Usually requiring no more than a couple of holes in the bodywork, some bolts, and some common sense, this should be hard to get wrong. Unfortunately what we usually end up with is not the bold statement of style they were aiming for, but an inappropriate monstrosity bolted onto a clapped out Honda Civic that should have gone to the big junk yard in the sky years ago. And best of all, that massive rear mounted overcompensation should never have been attached to a front wheel drive car anyway.

Body kitshttp://img3.looper.com/img/gallery/the-worst-amateur-car-customizations/body-kits.jpg

It's the lines of that shiny supercar that catch the eye, with the street light reflections glistening as it slides past. All those curious curves and bulges hiding important engineering just look good. So what better way to pretend you have a sweet car than by bolting on a body kit to add a curve here, a bulge there—how can it possibly go wrong? Applied subtly, a well chosen body kit can enhance a car nicely, complimenting what it has without getting garish, and perhaps providing some aerodynamic benefit in the process. But done wrong all you get is mutton dressed as lamb, a cheap car wrapped in cheap plastic that fools no one.

Stancehttp://img4.looper.com/img/gallery/the-worst-amateur-car-customizations/stance.jpg

A car that is excessively lowered and has extra wide wheels tucked inside the bodywork is referred to as stanced. This is an odd one out on this list because it must be ridiculously expensive to achieve, but the utter pointlessness forces its inclusion. The most noticeable feature of an over-stanced car is the severely canted wheels. At first glance the car looks like its axles have collapsed, but look again and you realize they are just overburdened with stupid. This modification was originally done by drifters, but now is adopted in droves by vehicular fashion victims who suffer heavily compromised handling, rapid tire wear, and frequent police stops

Lift kits and big wheels
http://img1.looper.com/img/gallery/the-worst-amateur-car-customizations/lift-kits-and-big-wheels.jpg

It is not uncommon to see pickup trucks with lift kits, the advantage for an off road vehicle is obvious. But when a road car has the same treatment the logic gets a little harder to follow. The main "advantage" of lifting a road car is that it allows the fitting of much larger wheels, an expensive customization which can only realistically achieve reduced performance in exchange for extremely debatable aesthetic improvements.

Loweredhttp://img2.looper.com/img/gallery/the-worst-amateur-car-customizations/lowered.jpg

By lowering a car you lower its center of gravity, making it lean less in corners and reducing the amount of air that flows underneath for aerodynamic benefits. This kind of modification works best on smooth race tracks, but a modest amount can be beneficial on the road and add a touch of tasty to a car's looks. But the logic of "if a little is good, a lot more is better" will always convince some people, who then take it too far. And while some cars come lowered, and some can be lowered by professionals if you have the money, some cars can only be lowered by cutting down the suspension springs. The thing about suspension is that it isn't a luxury add on, it's kind of important for helping the car ride over bumps and keeping the wheels on the road. So when someone removes most of it to make the oil pan scrape on the curb, because that's what they think looks good, that person is stupid.

Super stereohttp://img3.looper.com/img/gallery/the-worst-amateur-car-customizations/super-stereo.jpg

It's nice to listen to music while you drive, it passes the time on those long journeys, allows you to ignore that suspicious rattling sound, and entertains the guy next to you at the lights when he sees you singing along. But there can be too much of a good thing (today's theme). It even makes sense for an audiophile to soup up the stereo in his car to improve his listening experience. But when someone needlessly throws so many speakers in their car that it is no longer possible to carry passengers, or listen to the stereo without your fingers in your ears, then there must be a screw loose somewhere—and if not, there soon will be with all that vibration. Of course the unspoken defense of the stupidly loud stereo could be paranoia, if neither you nor the people in the cars around you can hear anything but your stereo, then they can't be talking about you…

Underbody LED lightshttp://img4.looper.com/img/gallery/the-worst-amateur-car-customizations/underbody-led-lights.jpg

One thing you can say about a spoiler is that at least it's supposed to look like it does something, unlike underbody lights which do nothing but express a desire to be noticed at all costs. Leading the pack of pointless and potentially dangerous customizations, underbody lights are an affordable addition to your car that allows you to confuse and distract oncoming traffic, while drawing the attention of the po po. The one major downside for a dedicated amateur customizer is that you have to choose between the underbody lights and the lowered suspension and body kit—because you can't have both kinds of stupid.

"Fart can" exhausthttp://img1.looper.com/img/gallery/the-worst-amateur-car-customizations/fart-can-exhaust.jpg

A loud and reverberating exhaust note is an absolute must have for the dedicated car enthusiast, preferably generated as the natural output of a massive engine. But if that is missing then the so called "fart can" exhaust is here to help by enabling the desperate amateur the opportunity to simulate the necessary aesthetic flatulence. Basically doing the job of a cheap trumpet, the fart can magnifies the meagre wails of any compact inline 4 cylinder and converts it mostly into a loud impression of a pig on an all bean diet. Like many of the entries on this list, the fart can only serves to draw attention (and ridicule), while providing no performance benefits at all.

Truck Nutzhttp://img2.looper.com/img/gallery/the-worst-amateur-car-customizations/truck-nutz.jpg

When it comes to overcompensating, sometimes just driving a massive motorized penis metaphor isn't enough. On those occasions when a fart can, massive spoiler, and some LEDs won't cut it, there are Truck Nutz: large synthetic testicles that can be attached to the back of any vehicle to quickly and easily complete the transition from assumed metaphor to undeniable statement. A bizarre and frankly inexplicable customization that denies all logic, Truck Nutz are the vehicular equivalent of the baseball coach butt pat—and a complete but entertaining mystery to the rest of us road going folk.

0 comments:

Post a Comment